Ever since I was very young, I have been enamored by the story of Alice in Wonderland. This is probably a very little-known fact as I always felt it was such an odd story and I felt even MORE odd for loving it. I love it so much so that I actually signed up for a Philosophy class in college after learning that we would spend most of the semester dissecting the symbolism of Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll, sprinkled with a little Descartes for good measure. (A girl in my suite talked about the class as she took it the semester before and was so bored. Bored? *shaking my head*)
I have always had very vivid dreams. Always. Every night when I sleep, I seem to begin my dreams chasing something, much like Alice chasing the White Rabbit. I never seem to "catch" this little creature that I chase into my own Wonderland, and until recently, I never woke up questioning exactly why I chase it and what I would do if I ever caught it. The creature that I chase is no discernable animal or thing. I'm not even sure it is the same "being" every time. But it is an elusive little bugger and once I'm into my dream state, it basically disappears. I know, I know--what does this have to do with anything? Well, a lot, actually.
In most recent weeks, I've realized that all day, every day, I seem to be chasing something. I have been asking myself some tough questions that sound a lot like "What are we doing? Why are we doing it? What is the impact on the world around me?" I still find myself concerned with everyone else in my life. Ah, yes, we're back to that. Why? I make myself so incredibly concerned with others and their happiness because I have so much fear of being concerned with myself; but it is because I fear that if I am seeking something for myself, within myself, that I will seem self-centered, conceited, and self-serving. That's a lot of "self" and that makes me very uncomfortable. But, if I don't know what I like and dislike, what makes me happy or unhappy, how to love myself (quirky personality and all), how would I be any good to anyone else? Gosh, all of the QUESTIONS! I thought that getting older would give me more ANSWERS. Sheesh... And don't get me started on all of the decisions..."Drink the potion, Alice. Eat the cake, Alice." Turmoil!
Driving into the office yesterday, I was listening to my "before work mix" of music, which is usually just noise that I play rather loudly to drown out my thoughts as I try to put myself into workday mode. Have you ever been listening to the radio or something when suddenly, the lyrics of a song just jump out at you and snap you back into reality? Happened to me. The song verse (by Ani D) goes:
"when you sit right down in the middle of yourself
you're gonna wanna have a comfortable chair
so renovate your soul before you get too old
cuz you're gonna be housebound there"
Hmmm. Soul renovation. What an intriguing concept. As Alice says, "Curiouser and curiouser." :) Could it be that my insides were the rabbit hole? Yes, that could definitely be a start. But, what am I chasing, exactly? And, more importantly, what do I do with it if and when I find it? Will I know if I find it?
I don't have the answers right now. I'm just here, writing, with all of these questions laid before me with no good path to start. This is huge. Scary, overwhelming, and so exciting I don't know what to do. And this is where I am. Here and now and in this moment--very mentally and emotionally "present". So, as I end today's entry, it is ironic that I feel it is actually just the beginning...
:) LAH
No comments:
Post a Comment