Fatigue is such a strange word. It just sounds odd coming from my mouth. As I've said before, I've just been emotionally and mentally quiet. I don't know why and quite frankly, I haven't explored it that much. I'm just too darned worn out! I have noticed that I do seem to be developing a mild case of the "I don't cares". The reality is, I do care and I have cared a lot. I think that my biggest issue is feeling like I'm the only one that cares--about EVERYTHING. Of course, that is far from the truth, but if you know me well, you know that I am constantly thinking of things like recent conversations and/or interactions, I am constantly worrying (which is an issue), and always spot-checking those around me to a level reminiscent of emotional OCD!
We are going on year 6 of owning a boat. I love our boat. It is a pretty large sized pontoon boat and it has been lovingly named by our friends as "The Brat Yacht". We try to keep a big cooler full of drinks of all sorts, ice, all the fixin's as well as our grill, used to cook up the yummiest of summer treats while on the water. I've always loved having people on our boat to eat, laugh, swap "winter stories", and enjoy being outside and on the water. Unfortunately, last summer nearly emotionally wrecked me. I fretted from April to August. I worried about who was going to be where and when they would be there. I worried if I had enough food for anyone that was hungry and I worried who was talking to whom and if everyone was having an awesome time. I paced the boat getting stuff for people, grabbing towels, watching kids in the water, and I came to realize that I never sat in one of the "main seats" of my boat--the entire summer... I sat on the back sundeck, out of the way and ready to fetch whatever was needed. By the end of August, I would pray for unfavorable weather so that I wouldn't have to feel guilty for wanting to stay home. Other boaters and I would start texting around Thursday to see what the plans needed to be by the weekend. But, I enjoyed none of it because it was all work, it seemed. I would fight with Nate from the time we picked the boat up, all the way until time to take it back. Truth is, I was jealous. He is so laid back and nonchalant and I was angry that he took it so "easy" while I was bouncing to and fro with drinks, chips, sunscreen, you name it!
It wasn't until late February of this year that I began to miss the boat. I cannot honestly say that I missed it or wanted to be out on it quite the same way the couple of years before. But, I made a pact with myself (and later with Nate) that I wasn't going to fret over it anymore. I put things to the "test" this past weekend. Nate and I got everything ready and went to the lake on Saturday. I didn't have much of a clue as to who would be there, but, to our surprise, some friends that we had not seen in well over a year idled on over to where Nate and I were anchored and we sat and talked a while. It was ideal! Yesterday, we decided to go back to the lake, again, with no real ideas about anyone else's plans and whatnot. We happened upon one couple and before you know it, the rest of the "gang" rolled up and tossed out anchors. I sat in the FRONT of my boat, and I am happy to report that I don't recall moving around that much! :) I realized I couldn't have planned it any better had I wanted to try!
The lesson to myself: perhaps my waning worry level isn't something I should worry with at all. Maybe I am moving into a different phase of myself--one where I laugh a little easier, love a good bit more, and worry a good bit less. So, maybe it isn't fatigue at all--maybe it is quite simply "peace".
:) LAH
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